||[Jan. 4th, 2011|05:14 am]
Happy new year everyone!!! |
I had a timeout with my livejournal last year and im back in 2011 :) Hehe. Time has been passing really fast. A little too quickly, in fact. I mean we are getting back our O level results in less than a week already. After the first paper, O levels seemed to be over in a few days. Right now, i can't even rmb how i managed to get through that crazily stressful period. I spent everyday just sitting by my desk, which was cluttered with random pieces of paper and books strewn all over the place. Behaved like a mad woman the night before my Geog paper cos i hadn't finished all chapts and there was also Amath on the same day. I am so glad Os are fucking over. I can already see myself sobbing uncontrollably and hugging my friends on results day. Having mixed feelings about receiving my results :( I'm afraid to begin my poly life. New friends new environment new everything. I wanna make new friends but i hate making the first move. I hope someone will talk to me on my first day in schl.
Gym outing last Monday. Didn't really work out though. We were supposed to have lunch tgther then a movie, but when Cheryl and I met them nobody even acknowledged us. We just got stared at....so whatever, we went off on our own to Soup Spoon. It was my first time there and the mushroom soup is good but everything there is so expensive. They were supposed to call us when they were done with lunch but when we went back to look for them we found out they were already at KTV. Sat down outside Vivo to play taidi then Yingjia and Li Si went to look for us so we went into the KTV room with them. Nobody really sang, it was basically just a kpop mv marathon. Shit happened after that. Ugh. Things have been going nowhere but down for me since. I've been home alot after that too. Felt fucking fat on Wednesday so i went jogging alone downstairs. Didn't eat in 24hrs so i got light headed after running about 1.5 rounds. Sat down at the bench for some time before going up to squat outside my gate for 20 minutes cos Daddy wasn't back from buying dinner. Been a long time since i felt that horrible, i was so close to fainting :/ Went out with Andreanna on Thursday. We ate Ban Mian at Tiong Bahru Market for lunch then headed to town to watch Yogi Bear. It's a stupid but pretty funny show. Walked around until night time then had our dinner at Graffiti Cafe at Cine. Dad wasn't being nice cos he demanded that i should've been home before 11pm. Booked a cab back home.
New year's eve. Went to Fran's place in the late afternoon. Was the first one there, we watched some kpop before Cheryl and Wm reached. We went downstairs for the BBQ but it totally didn't feel like a BBQ at all cos we weren't anywhere near the pit. The four of us sat at the table to eat and eat. Food was good though :) Hung around at the playground after eating then Zhixin came. Got a mian bao cao ren pouch and chocolates from her from Taiwan. HAHAH. They played with fire crackers and sparklers but i was fucking scared, so i was acting like a real bimbo. Sorry :( Took our bags from her house then we walked over to BM interchage and took a bus to opposite Safra. Walked to Henderson Waves. The climb up was terrible on my muscle aches. Found a spot to sit down and played cards. When it hit midnight, we could hear fireworks but only saw very little cos the trees were blocking. It didn't feel like new year at all. Stayed there for a while more then we walked back down to Safra and decided to play pool. Shawn joined us, we played for an hour then I cabbed home with Fran at 2plus. The next two days were spent at home watching L word. Im done with season 3 of Chuck. It's the best english series i've watched :) Im only gonna start watching Season 4 on January 17 when they continue showing the episodes on tv. Can't wait!! Went out today, joined Cheryl, Fran and Zhixin at Queensway then took a bus to Vivo to meet Andreanna after her work in the evening. Had mushroom soup at Soup Spoon again. Sat down outside Vivo after that to play taidi. It rained earlier on so the seats were damn wet but we used up all our tissue to clean the seat HAHAHA. Spent 2 hours playing taidi there and attempted to play Monopoly Deal but i didn't get it. Cheryl and Andreanna left then I took a bus back with Fran and Zhixin.
I really hope things will work out. I wish people won't misunderstand me anymore. It really sucks. I want to explain myself but i know that no matter what i say to defend myself, what you've heard can't be removed. You already have that mentality. Why does everyone like to tell other people things that do not even concern them? Im not trying to blame anyone here, but i just don't understand why i can't trust anybody. Is there not even one person i can tell everything to and be assured that my secrets are kept safe with them? I know i can be a real irritant at times. I try hard not to be. I wish someone would see how much i want to be a good person. I want to look good and be well liked. Nobody's perfect and im aware of that. But is this really too much to ask for? All of you get angry at me all the time. What do i even do? It's hard to hold everything in. I don't wanna be one of those people who bottle their feelings up. I can't even if i wanted to. I know i need to tell someone how i feel about things. I thought i could trust you. You made me believe you truly cared about me and wanted me to be happy. In the end, the people who're happy are the same few of you. For once, i wanna be the happy one. I wanna be the one not involved in complicated problems like this. I'd rather be the one mending things. When i face obstacles, i really just wanna hide at home and disappear from everyone's lives. But at the same time, i get upset cos everyone really leaves me to be. Why am i even complaining, when im the one who asked for this? I can't help it. I wonder if its the way i've been brought up. I always want everything to go my way. But i know for a fact that i've improved on this. I've improved in so many ways. Im proud of that. The one major problem that never seems to leave me alone is my insecurity. I know im rather pampered. I know i have a short temper. I know i let my emotions show. I know im not strong willed. I know i ought to be more careful with the things i say. I know it's wrong of me to complain about every single thing. How come i still don't get what i want even after everything i do and say? Obviously cos things don't go your way when you're acting like a fucking brat. I want to learn to hide my emotions. I want to learn to hold back my tears. I want to be a stronger person. I wish i care more about the people around me. I wish i would stop being so self-centred. My heart aches each time someone says im selfish/self-centred. Im not that. Im not someone who only thinks about her own happiness. I don't know. I hate myself so much. Maybe i am but im just denying it all the way cos for some reason, it hurts me so badly.
This year, im going to try harder than ever to keep my emotions in check. Not gonna let anything slip past my lips. Entering a new school and meeting new people. A chance to start afresh, make good impressions. I can't afford to screw this up. Please don't allow anybody or anything to ruin things for me. Don't bring me down anymore, please. I can't handle being called a bitch. I can't handle listening to someone go on about how irritating, selfish, dumb, ACT DUMB, unreasonable i am. Please. I wish that for once, im not the bad guy. I hate being the bad guy. Im not. I want to be nice to my friends. I try to make my friends laugh and i try to have fun with them. I try to make sure everything is okay. Please let everything be okay this year.